Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Root Beer Nudists and Beekeepers

Because GoogleAnalytics tells me all the weird things that people search for that lead them to this blog, I've decided to start responding to the real gems on here.

Booze. By the time they open the time capsule in 15 years they'll be old enough. And thirsty.

All my pictures on here are of people sipping ginger ale in their underwear :( Sorry.

Only if he's drinking root beer in the nude while he's beekeeping.

When 3 trees love each other very much and decide to crosspollinate...

Poison your bird-feeder or invest in a shotgun.

First, stop calling them "common." Every bird is a rare rose. Secondly, lower your voice. This isn't a rock concert.

Those aren't "night birds," friend. They're bats.

A sloth walks into a bar. Three years later, he gets to the counter and orders a beer.

One sloth asks another sloth, "How do you do so well with the ladies?" The second sloth replies, "Probably because I'm well hung."

I have 120,000 dollars in student loans. Please pre-order it instead.

Seasons 1, 2, and 3 of the Jersey Shore on DVD, a copy of WILDEFIRE, and 6 pieces of confetti for the opener to throw on themselves.

Have Robin spell check it for you. Or throw a Batarang at it.

What it sounds like when you say my name then scratch a turntable.

I will have the baby with you if you stop calling me Jane.


NOT puberty.

Little changes in your search keywords.

26 in two weeks.

I am frequently happy, yes.

Wait, were you googling this because you thought there would be a website that provided an answer? "Is Karsten Knight actually cute? Or is he just faking it? Let's debate." I'm a YA author, not Justin Bieber.

Hey now.

Much better.

I don't even know how to respond to this one. If you read it quickly, it sounds like "You're caressing the goats."

Yes tapioca pudding. Think pudding! I mean--think positive.

2012 isn't for another 9 months, but at least John Cusack will be there to dance with you. With any luck, he'll be dressed as a:

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Yes, No, Maybe So

So today I had to fill out a comprehensive questionnaire for my new dentist, which included this question: “Do you use alcohol, cocaine, or other drugs?” Yes___ No___

Now, as someone who enjoys the occasional glass of wine or pint at the pub, I found it hilarious and intriguing that alcohol and crack were lumped into the same “Yes/No” question, to the point where I underlined “alcohol” and wrote a very emphatic “NOT” next to the coke. Unless we’re talking about the soda.

This is the problem with questions involving the word “or.” In the lyrical genius of Schoolhouse Rock, "Conjunction Junction, what's your functionnnnnnn."

So it got me to thinking: what other awkward yes/no question pairings could I make people answer? I’ve provided a quiz for you all to fill out below. YOU MUST ANSWER TRUTHFULLY. Please use a #2 pencil, and make sure to fill in the bubbles completely or your answers will NOT be counted. If you answer yes to more than half of these questions... you're probably normal and just got sch00led by a conjunction.


Do you own more than one item clothing made out of denim, cotton, or meat? Yes___ No___

Have you ever returned a DVD late to Blockbuster or held up a convenience store? Yes___ No___

Have you ever paid your taxes or been convicted of felony tax evasion? Yes___ No___

Have you ever cut in line to stand with your friends, or stabbed someone and taken their place in line? Yes ___ No ___

Do you ever go to the aquarium, or find yourself inappropriately attracted to fish? Yes___ No___

Have you ever constructed a pillow fort, sand castle, Stone Henge, or one of the Pyramids of Giza? Yes___ No___

Have you ever gone night-clubbing or gone baby-seal-clubbing? Yes___ No___

Do you own a car and/or time-traveling Delorean? Yes___ No___

Have you ever held a garage sale, yard sale, or sold human organs on the Black Market? Yes___ No___

Did you ever play with stuffed animals as a child and/or do you have an embarrassingly comprehensive collection of Barbies from the 1970s still in the original packaging? Yes___ No___

Have you ever swum with the dolphins and/or are you Aquaman? Yes___ No___

Are you a night owl and/or are you a vampire? Yes___ No___

Do you enjoy moonlit strolls on the beach and/or are you a werewolf? Yes___ No___

Are you a vegan, vegetarian, or wood nymph? Yes___ No___

Do you have a fiery temper and/or are you a volcano goddess? Yes___ No___

Do you occasionally visit this blog and/or would you like to cast your vote for Karsten Knight as People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive? Yes___ No___

Friday, March 18, 2011

Inappropriate Sequel Titles & Disney Alter Egos

The second in a weekly “7 Useless Facts about Karsten” column. The rotating final question will always be answered by a guest author.

First thought upon waking up this morning:
[Sniffs pillow case] I need to start using a laundry detergent with a manlier scent.

Best gchat conversation this month:
[Discussing rejected WILDEFIRE sequel titles]
Me: That sounds like a porno
Me: That sounds like a drug comedy
Me: The game show

The five songs on repeat in my playlist right now:
“When and If” by Ari Hest
“See the World” by Gomez
“The Letter” by Harry-Gregson Williams
“Pretty Girl Rock”* by Keri Hilson
“Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark

I would sell my hypothetical firstborn right now for a:
Wintergreen Chip Frappe from my hometown ice cream parlor.

The most embarrassing thing I’ve done in the last 24 hours:
Watching the entirety of last night’s Bachelor finale with my roommates.

The most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done in my life:
My voice cracked for the first in eighth grade…in front of a crowd of 400 people. I was in mock government, reading my bill on hybrid cars to a “legislature” of other high school students in a packed auditorium. My voice cracked during the word “automobile.” I laughed with the audience, then tried again. Voice cracked again. Same word. More laughter. Nightmares forever.

If Karsten were a Disney character, he would be
My answer:

Aladdin. Because I look good in parachute pants and I’m obsessed with my carpet.

Guest Author answer:

Hipster Alice
~Leah Clifford, Author of A TOUCH MORTAL

*Don’t judge.
**Hipster Alice courtesy of

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Birds That Won't Shut Up, and Other Trivia

The first in a weekly “7 Useless Facts about Karsten” column. The rotating final question will always be answered by a guest author.

First thought upon waking up this morning:
Dear birds chattering outside my window: It’s 8am. Shut yo damn beaks.

Cryptic line that I wrote today:
“Now I know for certain the jelly’s always going to come with the peanut butter.”

The five songs on repeat in my playlist right now:
“Hit the Ground and Run” by Great Big Sea
“Pretty Handsome Awkward”* by The Used
“Cave In” by Owl City
“Soldier On” by The Temper Trap
“Wait It Out” by Imogen Heap

If I could be anywhere in the world right now, I would be:
Sitting with an enormous mojito on Ocean Drive in South Beach. Or on the Spaceship Earth ride in Disney’s Epcot Center (aka the ride in the giant golf ball, aka the most relaxing 15 minutes of your life).

The last movie I watched start-to-finish:
The Proposal

When I was a baby, my two first words were:
“Hotdog. Soda.”** (A lifetime of healthy eating followed).

If Karsten were an alcoholic beverage, he would be a…
My answer: A Manhattan
Guest Author answer:
“Well, this demands careful consideration. Is he the type who demands a frilly umbrella tucked against the glass? Is he clear or dark liquor? Bottle or pilsner? Imported or domestic?

My gut reaction is to suggest he's an Appletini or a Cosmo, but neither one of those is really awkward enough to adequately convey Karsten's...unique sensibilities. And if I suggest that he's something Canadian like Labatt's, he'll pout because of his unfulfilled lifelong ambition to become a Canadian Mountie.

In the end, I think it's safe to say that Karsten is whatever drink ends up as the $2 Ladies "Knight" special.”
~Scott Tracey, Author of Witch Eyes (Flux, Fall 2011)

*Also one of my nicknames in college
**No, my parents weren’t feeding me these things.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

And the winner of the Wildefire ARC is....

The winner of my WILDEFIRE love poem contest, announced by Karla Knight (aka Mom) in a poem that she wrote

Congratulations to Jessica Love!